Apps As A Hobby, Not An Escape Plan

I thought my apps were going to give me freedom. No alarm clock. A Bronco. A house with a yard. The ability to wake up and decide what I want to do that day.

But when I really examined what I wanted, it wasn’t just the things.

I have money now….I could take trips, buy things, go to classes. But I haven’t. So what am I really chasing?

At first, I thought it was about not having a boss. About autonomy. About being able to say “I don’t feel like it today” without consequences.

But that didn’t quite land either.

Then I thought maybe it was about getting paid my worth. You know? I clock into someone else’s dime, and my salary feels too low. Maybe if my apps made money, I’d finally be compensated fairly for the value I create.

But that’s not quite right either. Because I’ve been building apps for months now without any money coming in, and I don’t actually mind. I enjoy making them. The lack of monetary gain doesn’t bother me the way I thought it would.

So what is it?

Why does making money from my apps feel so important when I’m currently okay with them not making money?

I don’t know.

I thought it was about proof.

Proof I could do it myself….that I’m capable, that my ideas are valuable. My day job gives me that sometimes. When I solve a problem, when someone appreciates my teaching, when my ideas get validated. It feels good. So it’s not just about validation.

I thought it was about freedom – waking up and choosing what to do each day. But even when I have free time, I don’t always know what to do with it. Sometimes I scroll. Sometimes I sit there. Sometimes the freedom feels like pressure. So it’s not just about time.

I thought it was about escape – getting away from obligation, from having to show up when I don’t feel like it. But I also chose singing lessons and sometimes I don’t feel like going to those either.

Even things I pick become annoying when they’re required. So it’s not just about employment.

What I do know is this: something about my job doesn’t feel like enough. But I’m not sure what making money from my apps would actually solve.

Would it give me freedom? Maybe. But freedom to do what, exactly?

Would it prove I’m capable? Maybe. I already feel this most of the time.

Would it let me fund more projects? Yes. That part’s clear. If the apps made money, I’d put it right back into creating more things.

But is that enough of a reason to keep chasing it? To keep feeling like I’m failing because I won’t do the entrepreneurial work? To keep calling myself a failure for choosing stability?

I don’t think so.

So here’s where I actually am: I’m keeping my job. I’m working on apps when they call to me – right now it’s WakeCheck, and it feels good to work on something because I want to, not because I have to.

I’m going to open mics. I’m writing a book. I’m making music.

As of today, my apps aren’t my escape plan anymore. They’re just things I make.

And maybe someday they’ll make money. Maybe someday I’ll figure out what I actually want that money to do for me beyond “fund more projects.”

Or maybe I’ll discover that what I really wanted all along wasn’t the apps making money – it was permission to create without the weight of “this has to save me.”

Right now, I have that permission. Because I stopped making the apps carry that weight.

They’re not trying to prove anything anymore. They’re not trying to get me anywhere. They’re not my ticket to freedom or validation or worth.

They’re just… things I build when I feel like building.

And my job? It still doesn’t feel like enough. But I also don’t know what would feel like enough.

So I’m just sitting in that uncertainty for now. Working on my apps as a hobby. Showing up to my job for the paycheck. Trying to figure out what I actually want instead of what I think I should want.

Maybe in a few months I’ll know. Maybe I’ll realize the apps need to make money for a specific reason. Maybe I’ll realize the job is actually fine and I was chasing something that doesn’t exist.

Or maybe I’ll just keep sitting here in the middle, making things because I want to, working because I need to, and slowly figuring out what “enough” actually means to me.

For now, my apps are one of my hobbies and I’ll tend to them when I feel called to them. This is what’s right for me right now.

This is not what I expected of my 27th year but it’s what I’ve been given and I’m learning to be okay with that.

KAYJO.